Random Thoughts

This one will be written in taglish and super random. Guess, I’ll make this platform my freedom wall.

Well, I just decided to jot down what’s exactly on my mind at this moment. And the idea of blogging was just a spur of the moment. Lol

So, I’m thinking of pastel colors, pink and blue. I want these shades for my bedroom. Ang cute kasi and very calming lang. Super light lang almost faded na. Light pink walls then shades of light blue and gray yung gamit like beddings. Then, I want wooden floorings or plain white tiles. I’m a minimalist person so the bigger the space and less furnitures is my style and a big yes for me. Ayoko ng madaming gamit haha yung mga need ko lang, like bed, study table, couch, cabinets, and of course hindi pwedeng mawala ang bookshelf haha. I’m not a fan of patterns. I want my room to be simple and always clean.

Imagine entering my room, everything is organized except for my study table haha expect niyo na madaming patong patong na books and collection of notebooks. I really love writing and reading kasi, it’s very addictive and relaxing. So ayun nga, I want my room to also have decent lightings. Ayoko ng sobrang dilim. Gusto ko napapasukan ng sunlight and yung view gusto ko nature or kaya sa city lights. Gosh, nangangarap na naman ako haha

Kung ganito room ko, walang kong reklamo ngayong lockdown. Lol

So that’s all for my Sunday evening random thoughts. Next time ulit. XoXo ❤

My Storm, My Scars

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Have you ever wondered what it’s like to live in a box? Here’s how it all began, how I overcame it, and how I’m now finding a path to self-love and compassion. Get to know me. Welcome to my life. 🙂

Things have been out of control for me for many years. I thought I was moving forward, making things better for me and the people around me. Making decisions I thought would help me grow into a better and happier person, I made myself believe that I was making the right choices. I live a contented life, not realizing that I’m settling for less.

I realized that I had been aimless all along. I had been afraid all along. In every choice and decision I made, I was just attempting to make people believe I am not a weak person and blended in with the crowd. I thought I had gotten the better of myself in everything I did. A part of me yearned to be appreciated, seen, cherished, and loved, and to be the kind of person people would be proud of me.

This is why I lived inside a box, never revealing who I really am and living the way that others wanted me to live. I spent years trying to understand and help people that I sacrificed myself for, also hoping they would change somehow. Life I never imagined, yearning and begging, doing something I never wanted to in the first place just to earn a little love and respect. Wanting acceptance from others, always seeking validation from them.

Every action I took was for their benefit, always aiming for their love and acceptance, blind to the fact that I was being controlled. To what I do, to what I feel, to what I need to believe. The biggest mistake I ever made was letting them control me and let me keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

I trusted them.

People who often point out the least slight fault in me and the smallest mistake I’ve unintentionally made. Having them hold a grudge more often than appreciating the good things in me hurts. I felt defined by my mistakes, and it was tiring to be put on a pedestal every time. It is hard to deal with the pressure of being surrounded by people who want me to be perfect, flawless, and even mistakes are unacceptable. Whenever I was around them, whether on good or bad days, I felt as if I was always walking on eggshells.

Those people gave me the impression that if I made mistakes, I wouldn’t receive respect and love from them; they would accept me if I only did things according to their convenience. It’s okay hurting and offending me, but not okay when they’re the ones hurting and offending. When I’ve made a mistake they get upset easily. The part in which I needed to apologize and be forgiven is the hardest. Having to apologize for the simplest mistakes over and over was demoralizing. Being myself, with my imperfections and weaknesses, was not allowed. That’s the me that needed guidance and help as well. No one wants to see the real me; they just want me to live according to their terms.

Later, I became used to people being okay with hurting me despite knowing they will. Even though they know what the consequences of their actions will be and how it will affect me, they continue to do it.

My reality of being neglected by choice was so difficult to accept. It was the harsh truth of my existence, the reason I suffered. Once I grew weary of being the person I never wanted to be, I decided to end my pain. And yet, no one cares, or even looks my way. There is no hint of guilt at all, so I grew up feeling invalidated. Once again, I was flooded with pain, that damaged me deeply. I became shattered and lost. I was consumed with the certainty of my loss.

I felt as if I lost a big part of myself. After that I was empty.  Everything was blank. I was caged in emptiness. Yet somehow my life found a second chance.

“My waking call”.

Could you imagine living a life that requires independence because you don’t have a choice? Not because it is time for you to become independent, but because your circumstances pushed you too hard to leave the life of dependency. Having no one to rely on, you have to survive the cruelty of your reality all by yourself.

I felt like I was in a war, and I needed more tenacity in order to survive. I need to work on my resolve. So no one will ever make me miserable again. So I must accept and learn to live alone.

It was about surviving, not living. It was a huge turning point in my life. Unlike before, I’m living my own life without giving a damn about what others say. In order to protect myself from pain, I built a wall. But the fear still lingers. The fear of pain. Somehow, I managed to escape it. I became detached, vigilant, and distanced.

Again, I thought I was giving myself the love and care I deserve. Turns out I was wrong. As a result, I became insensitive to my feelings, thinking that being alone and not asking for help is normal and a good thing. I wasn’t aware that I’m making myself miserable, yes, I’m the reason this time. I became the culprit of my misery.

Although I care for others, I am rejecting their love. Accepting the love of others terrified me. It is hard for me to become dependent or attached at this point to those people who are just trying to help me heal and stay by my side, thinking that they may change when I get used to their presence and sooner or later they will abandon me. I’m afraid of getting lost again. Those traumatic experiences still haunt me.

The realization that I am unintentionally hurting people made me numb and apathetic. Then I realized that I’m becoming the type of person I hated. Just as I ignore my own feelings and emotions, I almost let other people I care about feel the same way. Not only am I invalidating my own feelings, but I am also invalidating the feelings of those who genuinely care about me and thought they would be able to handle it just like I did.

That is so wrong.

I was so focused on my goal to survive than to live. Torment had reached a new level for me. At some point, I asked myself, “what happened to me?”, “where am I? “, and “who am I?”. I keep asking myself these questions. The ordeal of sleepless nights before I understood that I was very shattered and not yet fully recovered. Anger and hatred drove me to my actions.  Feelings suppressed became actions. I refused to acknowledge my pain and tried to run away from it. I refused to accept that I was scarred for life.

How can one live with scars? What can I do to move forward? How do I trust again? There are lots of “hows”. I’m afraid of the answers because I don’t even have one. Have you ever felt completely clueless about how something is going to turn out? It’s almost as if you have no idea where to begin. Complete nothingness. The hardest part is you have to figure it out on your own. Again, I am frustrated and confused.

Is there anyone who will want to remain by my side? Is there anyone who will love me? Will anyone accept me? Now that I’m empty and need lots of repairs. I was harmed by the people I cared about back then, when I was still whole as a person.

What if the same thing happened again? That’s the question I’m afraid of most, but needed to be answered.

I repeatedly asked myself, “What if?”. For days, I wondered what I still had. There had to be something, anything I still had. Then it hit me that even though I have insecurities, frustrations, scars, and I’m still on a long road to recovery, some people believe in me, want to help me, and acknowledge my scars. In my lowest and darkest moments, I had these people. People who took care of me despite not being blood relatives. I was consumed by pain, anger, and insecurities that I failed to appreciate good things. Things that I overlooked because of great sadness. They saw the good in me I failed to see. Instead of rejecting me, they accepted me. They loved me and cared for me. I felt a warm feeling in my heart and it somehow filled the big hole in it.

I was awakened by a desire for change. Instead of dwelling on the past, I must look forward. However, I will carry the lessons I have learned with me. I must get up to move forward without looking back. To do that, I need to recollect myself and declare that I am going through a significant change. My declaration marks the beginning of a new life.

Slowly but surely, with their help, my mind starts to clear up. I am not alone; there are still people who believe in me. Those who taught me to believe in myself. Overcoming trauma and facing the challenges ahead.

Now I know what I need. The acceptance, healing, and forgiveness will be uncomfortable, but as long as I have the right motivation, perspective, and people around me, I can overcome it. That’s for sure.

This is a declaration of self-love.